Serious Vanity

"We are advertised by our loving friends."

November 3rd

A minute after stepping up to examine the target, Desdemona was still nervous. Bottom Summerdream could hardly be made to stop talking at times, but she was now suspiciously quiet. Finally, she had to ask, "Well, what do you think?"

"I think I'm glad I'm not the target."

"Honestly, Bottom." 

"Honestly, I think you're going to be great." Bottom wrapped Desi up in one of her brutally firm hugs. "It's going to be so much fun having you on the team!" 

Desi smiled but reminded her, "I'm not on the team yet, you know."

"As good as, I say. I wasn't half as good as you when I joined, and Georgiana said she was a total mess."

"But her aunt is the captain of the team."

"Yes, but you're better than she was, so it makes up for it. And besides, Lady Fitzwilliam is very fair. When she sees you're the best, she'll choose you."

Desi hoped so. There had been a Capulet family team in the League of Lady Archers, but it died with Aunt Cordelia. Her mother and Aunt Regan had no time for sport, and Miranda and her cousins weren't interested in competing. It was only her close friendship with Bottom Summerdream that had her on the brink of being a real archer. The minute Bottom heard that one of the ladies on her team had to quit, she came running over to Desi's house to start working on the demonstration. Five whole days had been put into it, and Desi felt reasonably sure she had a chance to be selected. "Can you come again tomorrow? I think I can goad my brother into practicing with us, and I can have a mock-up with you and Hal."

"I think I heard my name!" Desi's brother, Hal, approached the ladies with confidence bolstered by the recent success of his facial hair. "Uh-oh, bows and arrows. I'm not going to be pierced through the heart, am I? Or am I?"

"Stand in front of the target and find out," Bottom replied gamely.

"Maybe I will."

"But you won't." 

Hal followed her when she walked away, running to overtake her so he could keep her attention. "Maybe not, but only because the view is much nicer here, up close."

Desi cried, "Hal, stop being revolting!"

"Bottom doesn't think I'm revolting." 

As though she hadn't already made up her mind about Hal, Bottom looked him over. "You aren't revolting, but your flirting needs work." She leaned in. "Lots and lots of work."

"It's not flirting. Men don't flirt. They flatter." 

Bottom's concentration broke when she heard a stray noise. When she came back to herself, Hal was closer and still smirking at her in his adolescent glory. It's a shame he's not a better flirt, because he's nice enough to look at. "Maybe you should try some flattery, then."

"My dear lady, it would be my pleasure." 

Or it would have been, if Hal knew anything about romance. The barmaids were always appreciative enough, but they almost had to be. He couldn't throw a coin at Bottom to make up for his failings. Worse still, if her parents were any indication, the Fae put much more into romance than the typical Veronese ever did. She probably expected foreign love rituals. All he had was facial hair and whatever he could remember of what the hunchback said to the serving maids the other night. "I, uh... I think on thee, and then my state... like the lark of... something... sings songs- wait, no... sings hymns at heaven's gate-"

"God Almighty, make it stop!" Bertram was doubled-over, gasping for air between sputters of laughter. Poetry out of a male mouth was for getting a bargain on a quick screw upstairs at the alehouse and nothing else. He couldn't imagine how Hal had come to the business of reciting rubbish verses to impress real ladies, but Bertram was grateful. It was the best laugh he had enjoyed in weeks. "That is the worst... the worst... verse I have ever... ever heard!" 

Hal's stomach sank when he realized he had lost track of time. He had thought he had another hour before Tybalt and his cousin would be coming by for him. He would never hear the end of it tonight if he let it go, but was it worth starting a fight? Hal was still learning when to laugh and when to take offense. Only a rather pointed glance from Tybalt gave him a clue that this situation might be the latter. "If you wanted help bursting your gut open, why didn't you say so? I'd do it the quick way." 

"Coz, coz!" Bertram wheezed. "The little milk drinker is going to cut me open. Ha, ha!" 

"He just may, coz." He leaned back to see what Hal would do. Hal was younger, smaller, and less experienced than Bertram, and he was unarmed. He was also in the company of his sister and a girl he fancied. All of that said only one word to Tybalt, and he wanted to see if his young cousin heard the same word.

Hal heard it. He charged across the garden and attacked with his fists. What he lacked in age and experience was made up for in raw enthusiasm. He soon had Bertram backed up against a column.

Even with Hal’s forearm threatening to swing up and crush his throat, Betram was overcome with laughter. He thought it was a terrific game, and he occasionally glanced over to see what the ladies thought of the display. More than anything, this incensed Hal. "One more laugh, maggot-face, and you'll be drinking your own blood!"

The punching, swinging, and swearing that followed was boring and common-place to Desi, but it was anything but for Bottom. Her brother had never fought with good-looking friends in their garden; she had been lucky to escape listening to Puck and Fitzwilliam earnestly trying to outwit each other. If switching places with Desi wouldn't have ruined the best part of it all, Bottom would have been envious of her. "I wish they would turn around again. Your brother has the nicest legs in Verona."

"They're squabbling like children, and they won't stop until someone is bleeding. It's revolting."

"No, Desi, it's amazing. And you're not related to your cousin's cousin, so why not enjoy? He has nice legs, too." 

Desi groaned, aware of where this was going. If she had a proper look, Bottom would be going on about everyone's backsides next. Even if there was a man in the group she wasn't related to, she wasn't interested in any of the legs or backsides on display. Her only concern was having an archery opponent whose ineptitude would raise her confidence before the trial demonstration. "Tybalt, pull them apart!"

"Why should I?"

"Because... because I'll tell my mother you're here."

The threat was unimpressive. He wasn't planning on staying much longer, so it made very little difference if Goneril's guards escorted him away or not. "Don't you want your brother to be able to defend himself?"

"Since when do you care about that? You used to charge Hal a copper an hour not to hit him," she grumbled. 

"If he paid me a copper not to hit him, he deserved to lose it."

"I don’t care about coppers, Tybalt. Make them stop!”

"Why should I?"

Bottom jumped into the conversation. "Desi’s joining my archery team, and she needs Hal intact so she can destroy him a few dozen times before the try-out. I tried to tell her our captain is very fair – and, Desi, I just thought of it! You’ll practically be family soon, so…”

Tybalt had paid Desi the bare minimum of cousinly attention for fourteen years, but he felt his interest in obliging her raise slightly. If Bottom's chatter and green sleeves could be believed, his cousin would be on her team, in her company. He didn't need help to blacken his name with Georgiana; he managed to make an ass of himself whenever they met. Desi wasn't likely to say anything nice about him, but it was worth the trouble of not giving her any fresh complaints - as long as it was true. As casually as possible, he asked, "Which?"

"Which what?"

"Which team, coz?"

"What does it matter?"

"It doesn't," he said, "unless you want them to stop fighting."

"Lady Fitzwilliam's, all right?" Desi groaned. "Now, make them stop!"

"If you like."

"Desi! Hi, Desi!" Ariel, Desi's six year-old sister, joined the scene, unaware of the scuffle just off to the side. "Desi, can I play with you?"

"Ariel, stand back!" 

"But I want to play!"

Desi shouted, her eyes locked on the statue wobbling next to her little sister, "Stand back from that statue! You're going to get hurt!"

Ariel's pouty reply was cut off by her cousin, who pulled her out of the potential path of danger. "I swear to God, Ari," Tybalt muttered, "you have wool in your ears."

She ignored this, too happy to see one of her big cousins to care what he said. She liked Hermia and Juliette more than Tybalt, but Ariel liked almost everyone, especially grown-ups. If Miranda allowed it, Ariel would have attached herself to her leg. "Did you come to visit? Did your sisters come, too? Oh, oh, can we play knights and dragons? I love knights and dragons, and you'd be so good at it! Please, please, please?"

"I didn't, they didn't, and no, I'm not playing with you. Go pester your sister."

Ariel whined, "You never play with me. You only ever play with Hal." 

"I don't play with anyone."

"If you do, I'll let you choose if you want to be a knight or a dragon. Please?"

"No!"

Across the garden, Desi was sick of waiting and full of a good idea. She leaned in toward Bottom and told her to watch carefully. "Ariel," she called out, "why don't you show Tybalt how to play echo?"

Ariel's eyes lit up. "I love that game!"

"What the he- never mind, I don't care. I'm not playing with you."

"I'm not playing with you," she said in her most manly voice.

"What? Stop that."

"What? Stop that." 

This went on for almost a full minute. Ariel mimicked everything Tybalt said or did with the most manly affectation a six year-old girl could muster. When he finally caught on to what she was doing, he tried to confound her by swearing. She not only repeated the salty phrase, but she did it in earnest. Across the garden, Desi and Bottom were holding on to each other as they laughed and gasped for air. They were wiping their eyes by the time Tybalt, now in intellectual competition with Ariel's repetition game, finally remembered to break up the fight.

"Let go, coz! I was winning!" 

"Better luck next time, brat," Bertram gloated. 

Desi, though she had to clutch her stomach after so much laughter, felt better than she had in days. If she could orchestrate this masterpiece of manipulation, she could trounce the other would-be archers. Bottom could only look at her with deep admiration as they started toward the garden gate. "How did you know that would work?" 

"Would you want a six year-old repeating everything you said?"

"You are so clever!" Frustrated, she snapped her fingers. "I can't believe I never did that to Puck when I had the chance. That would have really bothered him."

She looked at her friend mischievously. "I bet it still would.”

"Desi, if you were your brother, I'd kiss you right now." 

Next Post: "And thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges."